I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
