so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
