bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
