I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
