Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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