I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
