M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
