He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
