I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
