I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
