Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
