The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
this just has baby written all over it
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
