I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
