Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
