I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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