A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
