Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
