when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
