she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
