you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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