I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
