Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i will never coherently bang her
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
