i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
