3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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