Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Help. Why am I so naked?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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