I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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