He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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