now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
