Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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