My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
