I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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