I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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