well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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