I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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