Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
