Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
