you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
