Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I pour the whiskey from now on
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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