So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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