My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
