I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
