jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
