Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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