3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
