Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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