they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
