They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
