I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
