i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
