Your dad touched me again.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
