I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My liver just had a heart attack.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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