I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
