i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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